Learning To Compromise
Why the most important part of the house is the middle ground. It starts with the television remote control – it always starts with the television remote control. Man wants to watch the Champions League match. Woman wants to watch Jozi H. Man and Woman argue about whose need is greater. Neither side gives way. And it ends with Man and Woman having a huge and unnecessary argument.
Arguments like these – and there are many; we’ll be looking at three typical ones in this article – happen when two people who are in a relationship fail to reach a compromise. "You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge," TV talk show host and relationship mechanic Dr Phil McGraw says. And in-between all the psychobabble, there’s a whole load of simple truth in what he’s saying: instead of arguing about the things you and your partner don’t agree on, you need to acknowledge those differences instead. Then you need to communicate with each other to find a happy medium; a middle ground; a win-win solution; or at least a video recorder to tape that episode of Jozi H. Here’s how it works…
SITUATION 1: Choosing Furniture
So you’ve just moved in with your partner, and you’re starting to put the metaphorical feathers into your metaphorical love nest. Great. Sure, there was a bit of tension when you suggested that you both move into your old apartment, but that potential wrinkle was ironed out quickly when you came across the ideal “starter home”. Now you’re in. You’re living together under one roof. Now all you need to do is fit in all the furniture. Chances are, if you’re the man in the relationship you probably won’t care too much about what the decorating looks like. Floral pattern on the lounge suite? Fine. Lace doily under the vase on top of the TV? Yeah, whatever.
But then… suddenly, you catch your wife/girlfriend throwing out your favourite chair. And what’s this? She says she’s replacing it with a futon? You’re not entirely sure what that means, but you do know one thing: you want your old chair back. And so the fighting starts. The big lesson here is not to give in to everything she demands. You like your old stinky chair? Then tell her so. Not giving in to your partner doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Okay, so you may eventually have to lose the chair (it probably doesn’t match any of the other furniture anyway)… but at least let her know how you feel about it.
SITUATION 2: Delegating Chores
Generally speaking, the second lovers’ landmine comes in when you have to decide who does what around the house. Your ideal scenario of Your Partner Does All The Work While You Do All The Sitting Around probably isn’t going to happen. So here’s what you need to do (and this applies to any domestic issue – not just deciding who cleans the dishes):
1. Sit down together and talk about the situation. Explain what you’re willing to do, and then have your partner do the same.
2. Determine which outcomes would be acceptable to you. Then try to see these from your partner’s point of view, and decide if these outcomes would be fair to them.
3. Agree on a workable compromise. Does this all sound like a high-stakes business negotiation? Good – it should. All the best deals are based on hammering out a compromise. Your goal at home is to find a middle ground where both of you feel heard and respected. Before you know it, you’ll have reached a compromise where your partner’s doing all the cooking, and you’re doing all the washing up afterwards. Just remember: a compromise is a promise. Once you’ve agreed to something, stick to it.
SITUATION 3: Visiting The Parents
It’s Mother’s Day, and you and your partner can’t agree on whether you’ll be going to visit your mother or their mother. It’s a face-off… and nobody’s budging. Now, instead of yelling out a list of reasons why you don’t want to spend the day with their mom (accompanied by litany of reasons why you mom’s the best mom in the whole entire world), sit down and discuss the problem – as above – in a calm and loving way. Don’t feel guilty about disagreeing with your partner. You’re two different people with two different sets of opinions, and you’re allowed to have independent thoughts. But when you disagree, or when you fight, fight fairly. Nobody ever truly wins a lover’s tiff – especially not when one side starts throwing in harmful, hurtful remarks.
"Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women are at odds with each other. We usually become angry or frustrated with the opposite sex because we have forgotten this important truth." Dr John Gray writes that in his famous pop psychology book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: The Classic Guide To Understanding The Opposite Sex. And it must be important, because it’s on, like, page two. What he’s saying is, men and women are different; so don’t get angry or frustrated with your partner if they don’t do things the way you would. (And may we add, too, at this point that men and women are, and always have been, from Earth.)
The French have a saying: "Vive la difference." It means: "Your wife is always right." Okay, no. It means "Hooray for all the things that make us different." And with French being “le language of love”, and France being the land where love-struck men and women kiss openly under the shadow of the Eiffel Tower, maybe it's worth listening to their wisdom. That’s the secret to a happy, fight-free relationship: give a little, take a little, listen a lot… and understand that you and your partner won’t always want the same thing. "Life is very short, and there’s no time for fussing and fighting, my friend." The English pop band The Beatles sang those words in their 1965 hit song "We Can Work It Out". So if you don’t believe Dr Phil, Dr Gray or the French, maybe you’ll believe the Beatles. No? Aww, come on! Try to meet me in the middle here…
As Easy As 1-2-3
There are three basic ingredients to any compromise:
1. Each person gives a little.
2. Each person has as many needs met as possible.
3. Both people work for the good of the relationship.
