How To Handle A Changed Marriage
Dealing with a spouse who undergoes an extreme personality makeover can be challenging, but here’s the good news: with change comes opportunity. Two couples who’ve weathered major changes tell how they coped. Text by Catriona Ross
“I tried to keep my heart open to change”
“You never expect change,” says Toinette Lindley, 36, a part-time photographer and mother of three. She and her husband, Stuart, a businessman, were happily married for 16 years – until 2004, when Stuart confessed he’d had an affair. “I was in total denial; we picked ourselves up and carried on,” says Toinette. “But a few months later, I intercepted SMSs between him and another woman, and my whole world fell apart.”
Toinette told Stuart to pack his bags, but he didn’t want to leave. “I was mad at him – but I realised I didn’t want to throw my marriage away.” Stuart, worrying he was “losing his mind”, went to see a psychotherapist, who told him he was experiencing a mid-life crisis.
Throughout, Toinette tried to keep her heart open to change. “I saw there were parts of him I hadn’t allowed to grow up… What he had done wasn’t right, but he was taking ownership for that, and I felt I must take ownership for my share.”
Toinette admits the process was painful, but recounts the rewards. “It’s exciting. Just because you’ve married and had kids, it’s not the end of the road. I feel stronger and more confident. Change is necessary for you both to grow.”
In January, surrounded by family and close friends, the couple recommitted their vows. “We’re so grateful we’ve come to this open, honest, real place with each other…”
“We drew strength from each other”
When Raven Benny, 35, talks about the car accident in 2000 that left him a quadraplegic, he smiles: “I realise how much I have to be grateful for.” With a positive attitude and mutual appreciation, Raven, and his wife Glynnis, have enriched their 11-year marriage.
Raven’s homecoming, after almost six months in hospital, was “an eye-opener”. “From being head of the family, I was now dependent on my wife.”
Glynnis struggled: “I had to take the kids to crèche, go to work, and help Raven. He was too weak to turn himself in bed. I felt terrible about him sitting alone in the flat every day.”
Things improved, but, as Raven says, “Some days I feel like a burden to Glynnis.” Yet he still braais for friends, cooks for the family, and washes his wife’s back in the bath. Very active in the QuadPara Association of the Western Cape, he’s also a Springbok Wheelchair Rugby Player who has toured overseas twice.
“I couldn’t have done this without Glynnis,” he says. When she needs quiet time, Glynnis takes a walk; Raven has his private corner at the back of the house. “My family respects my need for independence,” he says.
Has Glynnis ever doubted their marriage? “Never. I love Raven more now. The accident didn’t change how I feel.”
“Communication is crucial,” Raven adds. “I had to explain to Glynnis what was happening to me and how I was going to cope with it.”
After Raven’s accident, many friends drifted away. The couple adapted by finding a new “community” in the disabled sector. Ultimately, though, they handled their new marriage on their own. “The situation was strange to our friends and family,” he says. “We drew strength from each other…”
5 Ways To Make Change Work For You
“Life is about change,” says Cape Town counselling psychologist Margaret Barrie. “How you cope depends on the attitude you bring to it.” Surprisingly, change is exactly what makes for an exciting relationship.
- Develop a positive attitude to change. Ask yourself, “Can I become more open to the possibilities that lie in change, rather than being bogged down by the negatives?”
- Show you care. If your partner has become interested in a new hobby or lifestyle, it should become of secondary interest to you.
- Grieve your losses. “All change involves loss,” says Barrie, “and all major losses involve the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.”
- Talk to your partner. “If you’re undergoing change, communicate what you are experiencing as early as possible – even if you don’t know exactly what it is,” says Barrie.
- Find a mediator if you and your partner reach an impasse: ideally, a counsellor, or a friend who knows you both well and won
