Dealing With Life After Divorce

“I knew divorce would be tough on me and the kids,” says Thandiwe, a 37-year-old Durban dental nurse and mother of three, whose 12-year marriage ended last year. “But I didn’t realise quite how hard, or how it would also affect my parents and my friends.” Divorce influences everyone around us. And because we don’t ever plan for it, the changes catch us unprepared. Here’s how to ride them out – and come out stronger on the other side:

1. Take Time To Heal
Divorce is rather like death. You need to work through the painful emotions, from loss to anger and hurt, depending on the reasons you split. “Expect mood swings and depression during the first year,” says Durban psychologist Cheryl Sol, who runs divorce groups (see box). Be patient, don’t hurry yourself. Remind yourself that this, too, shall pass.

2. Channel Your Emotions
It’s natural to feel anger, especially if your partner has been unfaithful. Talk it out with a good friend or counsellor, or write it down: “It’s amazing how much better you can feel after unpacking your feelings,” says Sol. Whatever you do, don’t act on your anger. In the heat of relationship meltdown, people have been known to slash an ex’s clothing, scratch their car, or worse. All this will just add to your troubles, step up the conflict, and stop you moving on with your life. Remind yourself that living happily is the best revenge! If you were the partner in the wrong, don’t wallow in guilt. Apologise if you can – it will speed your healing. But more importantly, forgive yourself, and learn from your mistakes so you don’t repeat them in future relationships.

3. Accept That It's Over
Finding excuses to keep ringing or visiting your ex will stop you healing and going forward. Stay polite, and keep your distance emotionally. It’s vital to accept that you have separate lives now – concentrate on making the best of yours. “Don’t drag out the legal process,” adds Sol. “It’s important to find the balance between not settling too quickly for a settlement that you may regret later and feel compromised for, and not letting it drag out for too long, as the actual legal divorce is very important for you to start to get closure.”

4. Focus On You
This is a time to rediscover who you are, so you can live the life you want. If a change of hairstyle or wardrobe can help you feel more confident, or a change of jobs calls, go for it. Just keep an eye on finances – debt won’t help you feel better. Look after yourself – eat sensibly, exercise. Only then can you properly look after your children or others who may feel the strain of your break-up.

5. Find Support
Divorce changes your relationship with family and friends, as Thandiwe discovered. “When you enter a relationship with a partner, you also enter a relationship with those close to them,” explains Durban relationship counsellor Sandy Kalyan. Breaking up with your partner often means breaking up with these people too, but it doesn’t have to – analyse what each relationship means to you before you let it go. Kalyan warns that sometimes these relationships can keep you from healing by encouraging you to hold on to your ex. But if they are important to you, work to establish boundaries in which you can retain them. This is what Thandiwe is now doing. Whatever you do, don’t make your ex’s family or close friends take sides – their sense of primary loyalty will win even if they know your ex was at fault, says Kalyan. Focus on what you have in common with them apart from your ex, and don’t discuss your ex, or make critical remarks about them. And if the ex objects to your keeping up these relationships, Kalyan suggests you respect that.

6. Beware The Rebound
It can be lonely as certain “couples” friends drop away. This is why it pays to keep up your own friendships during your marriage. After divorce, open yourself to new friends – take up new interests and get out. Be as upbeat as you can – pouring out your problems can put people off, so initially at least, keep “unloading” for a close friend or counsellor. Start to date again only when it feels right, don’t let others rush you. And take it slowly. It can be tempting to settle for the first promising candidate to fill the void in your life, but you must first be complete in yourself, or you will set yourself up for another failed relationship. As Mavis Hetherington, author of For Better or For Worse, puts it: “Romantic love is a temporary glue. Marriages that last are marriages built on a fund of respect, liking, support and mutual interests.”

7. Help The Kids
Children go through a grieving process in divorce just as you do. They too feel fear and anger, and must be allowed to express it appropriately – encourage them to talk, draw or write about it, and to do physical activities to help burn it off. Suppressing anger can result in it being expressed destructively later in depression, substance abuse, acting out, even physical problems such as headaches, sleep difficulties, nausea, diarrhea, and in young children, a return to bed-wetting. “Anger is largely a cloak for fear, so listen for this, and reassure them that the split is not their fault,” says Sol. But be honest – if they ask when you and your ex will get back together and you know you won’t, tell them that clearly but lovingly. Make the change as painless as possible by keeping children’s lives as much as possible as they were – same schools, routines, discipline rules – and by helping them keep up their relationships with grandparents, aunts and uncles. Don’t criticise your ex to your children, fight with your ex when they’re listening, or use them as go-betweens or spies. Children need to love and respect both parents if they’re to grow up confident and whole, and have happy, healthy relationships themselves one day. If you struggle, get professional help from FAMSA or the Family Life Centre, 031 202 8987, 021 447 7951, 011 788 4784.

8. Take Heart
The changes of divorce are not necessarily all negative. As Hetherington says: “Until a crisis like divorce suddenly makes just getting through the day a tremendous challenge, most men and women don’t know how deep their emotional and intellectual reserves go, or what talents and skills lie hidden in them.”

Tips For Friends

• Let a divorced person work through their emotions, advises Cheryl Sol, who runs divorce groups for achieving transformation through loss (cheryl.sol@3i.co.za).
• Don’t offer advice unless you’ve been through divorce yourself.
• Let them know you’re supportive and there for them.
• Don’t let them think they’re a failure – praise the ways they’re coping with change and growing.
• Don’t let them use you as a go-between or spy.
• Don’t say you never liked their ex – to heal, they must acknowledge and grieve the good in their relationship as well as the bad. And they may reconcile with their ex!

Tips For Grandparents

• Don’t get personally involved in your child’s divorce.
• Listen when your child confides in you, but don’t say things that increase their anger, distrust or worry.
• Don’t interfere with the visitation rights of your child’s ex.
• Don’t criticise the ex in front of your grandchildren.
• Pay extra attention to your grandchildren, they need you now more than ever, and the stability you represent.
• If your child and grandchildren move in with you, set rules about chores and payment of expenses.
• If you lend them money for divorce costs or to start over, they should repay it with interest, but don’t expect to receive it.