Confused

Q: I had a boyfriend, but we are no longer together. He loved me, but I wasn’t sure I loved him. He was always asking for sex, since I told him I was a virgin. I kept telling him I wasn’t ready, but he kept asking. One day, I decided to accept. We tried to be intimate, but all I felt was pain without him actually penetrating me. Am I still a virgin? It’s been almost two years now, but I’m not ready to date. If a guy asks me out and I like him, the thought of intimacy makes me say no. Could it be that I’m scared I might feel pain again? Please help.

A: You are young and still figuring things out. As a woman, you are in charge of your body. No one else will protect you and your rights if you don’t. Having sex is a choice and a commitment. Don’t do it if it doesn’t feel right.

Agreeing to go on a date is not an agreement to have sex. Now you can decide how things will be in the future. You need to find ways to stand your ground when it comes to sex, otherwise you will always feel compromised. I suggest you make it clear that if he is going to pressure you then you will have no choice but to walk away.

I think you’re afraid of the physical pain that you felt when you had sex, but you also didn’t like the pain of not being true to yourself. If you want to know whether you are still a virgin or not, you’ll need to go to a reputable doctor.

Take things slowly. Express your need for respect, and under no circumstances feel that you owe anyone sex. Make a decision to take good care of yourself.