7 Steps To Surviving The Loss Of A Spouse

Losing your spouse is never easy, whether it happens early or late in life, suddenly or after a long illness. But there are steps that can help you heal and move forward. Text by Lee Horn

Be Prepared
Your spouse’s death is something you are guaranteed to face some day, unless you’re the one who dies first. Make sure today that you and your spouse have the following in a safe place where they can be easily accessed: your wills, letters of instruction, life insurance policies, retirement plans, birth certificates, marriage licence, deeds to any property owned, vehicle registrations, recent bank and financial account statements, and a list of any outstanding debts.

Accept Help
Family and friends will invariably rally around with offers. Take them up on anything that can make your life easier, from making telephone calls to preparing meals. But stay in charge of your life – don’t let anyone else take over, especially in financial matters.

Take Care Of Yourself
Emotional exhaustion can destroy your appetite and break your sleep. Force yourself to eat nutritiously, even if it’s only a little. Exercise regularly – it also releases feel-good hormones. And ask your doctor for any help with sleep problems. It may also be useful to write down your feeling in a journal.

Accept Yourself
Feelings of anger and guilt are normal. Talk it through with a close friend, minister or counsellor if need be. Listen for signs of self-blame, which are very common. “If only I’d done X, this may not have happened.” Work through this and any sense of guilt – “I never told them I loved them that day”; “I felt relief when they finally died after the burden of nursing them.” These things don’t mean that you loved the person any less, just that you’re human and doing your best.

Know You’re Not Alone
Grief can be a lonely experience. After the activity of the funeral, people often drop away, wrapped in their own busy lives, and thinking you need private time to mourn. Some may also avoid you because they don’t know what to say to comfort you, and are afraid to mention your loss in case they upset you. Reach out to them – let them know you need to talk.

Don’t Hurry Grief
The mourning process may take you months, even years depending on the circumstances, your ability to cope, and the support you’re given. Expect to go through the classic stages of grief: shock and denial, anger, bargaining with a higher power, despair or depression and finally acceptance. You can only heal in your own time and no one has the right to tell you to “cheer up” or “get over it”. But if you seem stuck in one stage, especially depression, get counseling to help smooth your way.

When You’re Ready, Move On
When you’ve suffered a loss like that of a spouse, your life will never be quite the same. But if you process it, you’ll reach a stage when you accept death and the changes it’s brought, and begin to live in the present instead of in the past, and to plan for the future. Keeping honouring the person you’ve lost in meaningful ways – perhaps light a candle for them on special occasions. But also let go and move forward. They would want you to find happiness, and you can – alone or with someone else.