4 Lessons From Single Parents

Nelly Molefe (45), Kay Henry (34), Ellen Nkhasi (27) and Benny Sansole (43) are single parents who are bravely facing the ups-and-downs of raising their children alone. However, they all insist that good parenting has more to do with the quality of parenting than the number of parents. Here are four invaluable lessons that they have learned as single South African parents:

Lesson 1: Ask For Help!
As a single parent, you may be on your own but you don’t have to do it all alone. If you develop a network of trusted friends or relatives, they can provide the spirit of a loving family and alternate role models for your child. They can also be your sounding board so you don’t come to rely on your child for emotional support. “As a single, working dad with two young girls, I knew I could not do everything alone,” says Benny, a widower of three years. “I realised that asking for help wasn’t a sign of weakness or failure but a matter of necessity.”

Lesson 2: Take Care Of Yourself
Raising children in a typical two-parent household is stressful, so the strain of handling double the load alone can take its toll on even the strongest person. That’s why it’s important that you take care of yourself by eating healthily, resting, reducing stress and enjoying alone time. “The most important thing is to understand what’s causing the most stress in your life and then look for ways to ease these stresses,” advises Nelly, mother of three. Indulging in little luxuries can also remind single parents that it’s not just about work and sacrifice.

Lesson 3: Be Consistent
Single parents should aim to set rules and routines that add order to their family life: “I learned that setting boundaries for my girls has given all of us a feeling of order and stability,” says Benny. Being consistent in your parenting style will also encourage your children’s balanced emotional development. “It’s a good idea to sit down and decide what rules you want to put in place as your child grows up, and then stick to them,” says Ellen.

Lesson 4: Interact With Your Kids
Simple activities like playing a board game or taking a walk together can go a long way toward communicating the message that you care. Jennifer advises that you play games with your children whenever possible because role-playing teaches them important lessons in a fun atmosphere. Finding new, fun family hobbies can help you to interact with your kids and help you make the most of the time you spend with them. “I make a point of spending time with my girls individually and this really helps bring me closer to each of them,” reveals Benny.

How To Relax
Here are some tips to plan your schedule, take out some time to relax, manage everything and remain sane:

• Stop being bogged down with guilt and regret for things you are not able to do.
• Before going to bed at night, plan the next day.
• In the morning, first review your priorities and do things accordingly.
• You may have to compromise with some things and learn to prioritise. Perhaps doing laundry is more important than mopping and sweeping one day or visiting the childrens’ school may override your visit to the bank on another day.
• Ask for help from other family members, neighbours and friends or whoever is willing to help, and let the kids help, too.
• Set alarms for everything and concentrate on only one thing for a set period of time. When the alarm rings, move on to another task and leave the task at hand for another day.
• Set aside half an hour in the evening just for your child and let him or her know that at this time they can get your undivided attention. If necessary, turn off your cell and keep the phone off the hook, so there are no distractions.
• Take about 20 minutes just for yourself, too, and do whatever makes you feel better.
• Once a month, ask someone to baby-sit your child while you try and do any short errands and odd jobs.
• If you are too tired or stressed, do not feel ashamed of putting off things or procrastinating.
• On weekends, just relax and enjoy time with your child. Get all work done on weekdays.